Paralyzed with Indecision

All over the internet, and all over pinterest, you have these blogs. Pictures. Taglines.

"She travels the world and DOESN'T work! Learn how!"

"How to quit your job and become location independent."

"How to get out of the 9-5 grind."

Here's one, for reference:

And you click, and invariably, someone tells this story about how, 1 year ago, or 5 years ago, or 6 months ago, they quit their job. And then, they in detail describe to you how they now, after that period of radio darkness, have wonderful, life-affirming streams of passive income.

But no one ever, EVER posts about the dark, dark time in between. The time of potatoes, and pasta, and regretting purchasing those movie tickets. The time where a million things fall through, and you have all these harebrained ideas, and none come to fruition. That period? Everyone ignores that. No one wants you to see the anxiety, and the panic, and the questioning.

Because it's not pretty.

It's not a nice tagline.

And you know what? I decided that, even if I'm the only one who ever reads this, I'm going to chronicle that. The last week at the job you hate, where you can barely drag yourself out of bed. The COMPLETE lack of motivation, and total burnout from years of slaving away for employers who don't care if you're actually happy. 

So. Here I go.

This is my last week at work. And It is 12:25 PM right now. And I am still in bed. I did actually do a little work, but now I'm back in bed.

No makeup.

Lank hair. 

Just waiting for this week to expire. So I can get out of this place. 

And I'm completely paralyzed with indecision. What should I invest in? How can I get the most cashflow out of my capital? How does closing work on a house? Should I keep the internet when we move back to our condo for 2 weeks? If not, how will I overthink everything and search for investment properties that I will never call on?

Eventually, it gives me acid reflux. So here I am, in bed. In the past 2 days I have eaten wonderbread and a caramel apple. 

There is something inherently terrifying about an uncertain future.

Maybe, in 6 months, I'll look back on this and smile - how silly. Kind of how I look back on my apprehension at selling our house, and realize it was totally unfounded. But today?

Today is a day for Cream of Wheat and bed. And books.

How not to be a jerk: Lessons from a caretaker

I feel like, in my current job, I see the worst sides of people on a daily basis.

The side that decides that you don't feel comfortable having the caretaker into your suite to fix something because "What if you steal something??" (An actual question by a tenant.)

The part that decides that, in a communal living environment like a condo, lifting the lid to the dumpster is just too much work.

The part that decides that the caretaker maybe doesn't work as hard as you, so just leaving a box of unsorted recycling is fine, right?

The part that leaves your junkmail in the lobby.

Or touches the glass on the entry door.

Or allows your kids dirty hands to muck up the stainless steel on the elevator.

Or leaves an old vacuum/barbeque/mattress by the trash.

Those parts.

And I just have a few thoughts. Because we do all share this planet, after all.

1) Try not to make someone else's job harder. Decide you don't want those beans at the supermarket? Put them away - not next to the oreos, but where they belong.

2) Treat people as if they are having a bad day. Because odds are, they are. If you're too gentle, and someone takes advantage of you? LAY THE SMACK DOWN. But once you're mean to someone, that's it - its almost impossible to go back. So start with nice. If that doesn't get the job done, then break out the big guns.

3) If it belongs to you, it is your responsibility. End of story. This applies to literally everything. Your old mattress? Dispose of it properly. Your dog, and it bites someone? Take responsibility. Your junk mail? Throw it away. Your greasy hands on the glass/mirror/display? Wipe it off.

4) Don't let people bully you into saying yes. If it's NOT your responsibility, then tell them to piss off. NOT your mattress? Not your problem! Someone else's dog biting someone? Mind your own business. See someone doing something annoying or wrong? Leave them alone! If it's not physically harming anyone, mind your own business. Don't let people tell you that their dog peeing in the corridor is your job to clean. BECAUSE IT ISN'T

5) Last, and final piece, of advice is this: Don't be a douche. Pick up after yourself, follow through, and be honest. 9 times out of 10 people would prefer you say no than do a poor job or never finish.

And let's make this craziness a little easier on each other!

Basic life skills - or the lack thereof

I am a caretaker.

I caretake buildings.

"But Leah!" you say, aghast. "Didn't you get a fancy college degree?"

Yes. Yes I did. However, I have CHOSEN to work with my hands, problem solving and learning daily, rather than compete in the rat race. I probably earn less than you, but guess what? I don't have to interact with people all day, I get to be alone and do my thing. No one tells me when to do what. And, best of all, when my work is finished for the day, I go home.

Something that will never cease to amaze me is the general population's total lack of know-how or life skills. How did we, a first world society capable of AMAZING inventions, come up with the idea that knowing how things work is beneath us?

Here's a few examples:

1) Knowing how to do basic handyman adjustments. Change a lock, fix your squeaky door, adjust your sink lever, change out pipes. Do you know how many times I've gone in to someone's apartment, and the fix they waited for was LITERALLY for me to tighten a screw?

2) Basic plumbing maintenance. If all you know about plumbing is how to plunge your toilet, then you will overpay people do to EASY fixes for the rest of your life. Cleaning out your bathtup drain - easy. Slow draining sink? SUPER EASY. It really isn't rocket surgery.

3) How to do your taxes, and what everything means. How is it possible that something that LITERALLY EVERY PERSON IN THE COUNTRY OR OUT OF IT HAS TO DO has fallen through the cracks? What are capital gains? What are deductions? What can I deduct from my taxes? I feel like people would UNDERSTAND why they have to pay taxes better, as well as better allocate their money to causes they care about, if they understood, even on the most basic level, tax laws.

4) What to look for in a rental, how to do a move-in inspection, and how not to get scammed by a landlord. And what your rights are as a tenant! This one is huge. So many people have gotten scammed by a shady landlord. I was sitting next to someone on the ferry, as they explained that, even though the carpets were filthy when they moved it, the landlord made them steam them. GUESS WHAT? If you had taken pictures when you moved it, you could prove it.

5) Basic car maintenance. We do driver's ed, and driver's training, but no one seems to think we should be learning how to take care of the machine that is responsible for making explosions less than 5 feet from our faces to make us fly down the road at alarming speeds. How to parallel park? IMPERATIVE! Maintenance of explosion producing, speed machine directly in front of our faces? Who cares!

6) Budgeting. How to track expenses, and set a limit for things. Also, how credit works - and why it's important. I feel like half the people I know have either NO CREDIT or BAD CREDIT. Because no one taught us that a) we should have credit history, and b) bad credit can RUIN YOUR LIFE.

I'm in no way suggesting that I know all of these things. I'm merely stating that our view of what is "worth" our attention seems skewed. I can sove for x till the cows come home - but in my real life, daily existence, what is that really worth?

We're selling our house!

Can you believe that?

So, for your viewing pleasure, I have chosen to share with you, dear readers, our professionally staged and photographed home. Enjoy!

Look how nice it is!!!

Front view of our building

Corner view

Another corner view

Front entrance

Living room!

Dining room!

Living room again!

Living/dining

Kitchen with stainless steel appliances, updated faucet, and laminate floors

Den with plush carpet

Kitchen bar area! Perfect for entertaining

Bedroom - looks out on private, fenced in yard

Walk in closet with built in shelving

Exterior area

Our giant patio! Lots of memories here. :-)

Dining nook

In suite washer dryer

Convex bathtub makes showering THE BEST

Tons of counter space, and a big, bright mirror!

This is what it actually looks like to dine outside. We did, every. Single. Day.

Cute little yard! It means your view won't change as the city does. :-)

Tennis Court

Pool and outdoor barbeque area

Basketball/racketball court

Community center

Community center

Community center

Exercise room

Community center exterior

SO!

What do you think? Here is our blurb:

Beautiful, private, updated ground floor condo with HUGE, fenced, North-facing patio! Private entry, interior - facing unit - no road noise, very quiet and peaceful. Includes updated laminate floors, stainless steel fridge, updated sink/faucet, and an electric fireplace. Features walk-in closet, in suite washer/dryer, and a seperate den/office. Private, secure, underground parking and bike locker are included. There are NO RENTAL RESTRICTIONS, which makes this a great investment property! 

Included in Maintenance fee is a membership to the Canoe Club- Tennis courst, exercise room, media room, yog room, two guest suites, playground, sauna and hot tub/pool. These units are in high demand for both purchase and rental!

For additional photos visit: https://www.cotala.com/tours/?tourid=20225

Dear World: SCREW YOU TOO. Sincerely, Leah

So.

I got a giant mole removed from my thigh yesterday. It was a super short, totally non-traumatic procedure. My doctor, this beautiful blonde from South Africa, when she found out I was from California, actually stopped excising and said, deadpan:

"Why on EARTH would you live here if you could live in California?"

I got a few stitches, got bandaged up, and came home. No biggie, right?

WRONG. Enter The World.

In case were wondering, here is the super official, totally legit definition of The World, according to authorities:

The World: A douchebag entity that send problems, illnesses, inconveniences, traffic, paperwork, car repairs, and other negative experiences when you can least handle it.

So. Today? I was going to take it easy. Do some paperwork. Schedule some stuff.

BUT NO.

Today, of all days, there were 2 seperate water leaks in the same building. There were notices to post. There were door handles that broke off, with people stuck inside their apartment. There were clogged sinks, and smudgy windows, and spilled slurpees.

There were tenants doing unauthorized moves, commandeering the elevator, forcing little old me to take the stairs. With brand new, burning, stinging stitches in my thigh.

There were Canadian banks refusing to serve me over the phone, because I'm "multicultural" (as my ignorant Canadian phone representative informed me) and have to visit a branch to get anything done.

There was a staging company sitting outside my house, waiting for credit card authorization, to go in and set up. While I was trying to get this bank to help me.

Now, it's 4:36 PM. I'm in my pajamas. And I'm NOT GETTING UP AGAIN, except for food and toilet. Because my tiny, no-big-deal, itty bitty little wound? It's bleeding again.

So, I send out this message to that douchebag entity: The World. SCREW YOU TOO.

Sincerely,

Leah

On Compliments

When I was a missionary in Armenia, I would constantly compliment people I met.

"I LOVE your hat!"

"What a pretty scarf!"

"Your eyes are so pretty!"

To be fair, since I was just learning Armenian, it was probably more like:

"Your hat much pretty me!"

"Scarf very nice!"

"Eyes very pretty you!"

But the sentiment still probably came across.

I feel like, sometimes, we hold back praise because we're afraid of someone reacting poorly or strangely.

I even remember dating a guy who told me it was weird to give compliments to strangers, and that "I'd grow out of it".

Guess what?

I haven't.

I STILL think that, even if someone thinks I'm weird, or hitting on them, or unbalanced, I'm going to tell them that I think their pants are cute. Or that their hair color flatters their skin. Or that their earings are just to die for!

Why do I persist, you may ask?

Because that tiny, itsy, bitsy, teeny act of just speaking your mind  can change the course of a person's day.

Because it is almost no effort at all - you thought it, so say it!

And because, although this sounds selfish, if someone thought something nice about me, I wish they'd tell me.

Too many times, we look at ourselves and see only what should change. We don't notice how our eyes light up when we laugh, or that that salmon colored scarf makes us look SO BEAUTIFUL (I'm looking at you, Lauren!). Too many times, we just see the same old face, the same old hands, the same old flaws. And we miss the little things that make each one of us so lovely.

So here's a challenge for you: get out of your comfort zone, and speak your mind! Even if you're not comfortable telling a perfect stranger that her eyes are a gorgeous color, tell a friend. Or a family member. Tell them the little things you love about them. Tell them they look SO GOOD in those boots. Or those jeans make their butt look nice.*

Because, in the end, people like feeling appreciated.

And, at least in the case of strangers, who cares if they think you're weird? You'll probably never see them again.

*I would not recommend telling a perfect stranger that their butt looks nice. Side story: one time, when I was 18, a girl at church had 2 buns on the side of her head, almost Princess Leia style. She and I were acquaintances, and without thinking of the double meaning in the statement, I asked her if I could poke her buns.

It took me a few minutes to realize why she had moved seats to get away from me. :-)

Our new dream!..... at least, for now....

Anyone that knows me, or has read at least 2 of my posts knows that there are 2 main facets to my personality.

1) I do what I want

2) I craaaaaaaave change

This post is about number 2. (Not about THAT number two. Get your mind out of the bathroom.)

Most people I know like stability. Like, know where you're going to be in a month, don't run out of gas, can predict what their bank account looks like stability.

That kind of existence stifles me.

I can't tell you how many times I would wake up in the middle of the night (or, as an insomniac, a more accurate statement would be "Get up", as most nights I was already awake) and decide I needed change. Here are some of my more random, middle of the night "I NEED CHANGE" decisions:

1) Cut bangs in my hair. With poultry shears.

2) Dye my hair

3) Google 1 million ways to cut up T shirts so they still kind of look like clothes, but not really

4) Sew something random (like a dress made out of fabric that is a map of the world, maybe?)

5) Find random jobs somewhere new and apply for them (and wake up to a baffling call from a hotel in Florida wanting to know more!)

6) Rearrange all the furniture

7) Re-organize all the shelves in the kitchen (my roomates LOOOOOVED this one)

So, needless to say, my favorite type of decision is the one that can most easily be changed.

Norman and I recently just accepted a pair of positions for a company on Vancouver Island. Partially to get away from the slummy, drug-ridden, human-feces-cleaning job we had before, but also because I CRAVE CHANGE. And as we were lugging all this STUFF up to our new apartment, we both had a thought.

Wouldn't it be GREAT if your home could come with you anywhere? With all your STUFF???

And, so, now we are obsessed with RVs.

I even went so far as to make a chart of all the ways RVs are better than houses. Here it is:

RV                                                                            House

- All furniture included!                                           -When you buy it, its EMPTY! AKA more stuff
- Makes you minimize                                             - Encourages you to fill empty rooms with stuff
- You can take your house anywhere!                      - House is stuck in one place
- No one wants to stay with you! *                           - If you have a spare room, people want to stay*
- Need space from someone, drive away!               - People can always "drop by"
- Cheaper than a house payment                             - NEVER ENDING EXPENSES!!!
- Upgrades are smaller and cheaper                        - Multi-thousand dollar renovations
- ULTIMATE FREEDOM!!!                                  - ULTIMATE STUCKNESS

Yeah.... I can get a little over the top.

But seriously! When you buy an RV, it comes with a TV, all your furniture, and some even come with a central vacuum and are solar pannel ready! Show me a house with that price tag that can do that, AND be driven around!

Also? Your backyard is wherever you park it! So we can have oceans, lakes, snow, national parks, mountains, cities, swamps, parking lots.... whatever we want!

Can you tell I'm excited? So many exclamation points.

Next time, on "Leah changes her mind"...... which RVs are we choosing between? Why? And then, best of all, you can look at pictures of all the HUGE, obnoxious swirly designs on the outside of our new dream home! JOY!  

* A small note: I don't like house guests. ESPECIALLY uninvited houseguests. If you've ever been invited over to my house, it means I like you. A LOT. Because, in my experience, I'm done with visitors far before they're done being in my house. And there is NO polite way to say "Please leave because I'm sick of you."  

Another note: If you want to learn all about why RVs aren't just for hobos, visit gonewiththewynns.com                

Canada: An expensive, inconvenient, inferior alternative to the US

Have you ever been so surprised by someone's inability to see another side of an argument, that you have no reaction? No witty retort, no thought out reasoning, just.... silence. And shock. And dumbfounded confusion. Recently, an acquaintence of mine on Facebook reacted violently to rather harmless (or so I thought) post. A post where I was expressing (perhaps inappropriately) my inability to choose a political candidate I felt represented my desires, and beliefs.

Because this "socialism" movement, where people like to claim that even the poorest of society DESERVE something just for being alive? I can't get behind that. Partially because I've SEEN, firsthand, how socialism and its bedfellows play out in most places. Armenia is a stark reminder to me of the absolute bleak uselessness of making everyone the same. That it removes the drive, the spark out of the human spirit. Canada, where I currently am, is a smaller version of that - where I see drug addicts, who have admitted to choosing to be homeless, get rent subsidies and have an iphone. But me? My paycheck gets a 25% cut before it even gets to me. So that guy can smoke crack and wear pajamas all day.

It is infuriating, in a way that makes me want to cry.

This facebook acquaintance reacted so violently to this post of mine, telling me how I wasn't even human, and how DARE I express these opinions. Basically calling me a terrible person. And even using the phrase "you're a terrible person". It was surprisingly awful. He told me that I'm a guest in Canada. That I need to appreciate it here. And how people like me are the oppressors, and how I'm awful.

The interaction was so jarring I quit facebook for 2 months.

And now, I'm just here to make a LIST of the CRAPPY things I deal with in Canada. I don't appreciate Canada. I think Canada is the worst. And if you think of it as left-wing mecca, feel free to come find out for yourself JUST how much it sucks here. Here is a short list of the things I hate:

1) Weather - Just three weeks of BLAZING HEAT and then a really long, stupid, grey, rainy fall. Until blazing heat again.

2) Terrible banking. OH MY GOSH. I've actually cried over how stupid their banking is. REAL. SALTY. TEARS.

3) High taxes 

4) Poor quality food - The other day, we got a watermelon. When Norman tasted it, he said "It's the best Canadian watermelon I've ever had!" And he was right. It was watery, and flavorless, and the flesh was pale.... just like most Canadians themselves. 

5) High price of food - We spend $600 a month on food for 2 people. And we never have fish, or beef, or seafood. We eat chicken and pasta. 

6) Stupidly inflated real estate. A one bedroom condo? 400,000 please. Maybe, if it was somewhere AWESOME like Hawaii, but CANADA???? REALLY????

7) Crappy amenities/high price of amenities (like utilities) - single pane windows +baseboard heaters+damp, awful weather = high prices. 

7) Exorbitant, ridiculous cell phone plans - we pay $95 a month. We have 1 GB of data. 

8) Lack of affordable distractions/entertainment

9) Lack of decent shopping

10) Health care is "fine"until you have to go to a specialist or have a family doctor, then get on a miles long waiting list - Ive been waiting since february for an appointment with a dermotologist.

11) ICBC (its the government owned vehicle licensing and insuring company - $200 a month to insure our car)

12) Lack of usable highways

13) Cost of fuel

14) Worthless currency

15) Attitude of most canadians - their only defining characteristic is that they are NOT American. As if that is something to be proud of.

16) Attitude towards most immigrants - someone actually wrote and issued a letter about how dangerous Norman and I are. Because we aren't Canadians. Because those Swiss - they're really screwing up the world.

17) That the dream of Canada being the U.S. but done better is  a LIE

18) That Canadians allow themselves to be taken advantage of and overcharged, and no one ever does anything about it

I know the response to this will be "if you hate it so much, why don't you leave?"

Just know, we have been TRYING TO. For YEARS.

Now, I have a countdown to when we should hear back from US immigration regarding our application. And even though we have less than 150 days left on the countdown, some days, I'm so unhappy I feel strangled. I HATE THIS PLACE. And I NEVER want to live here again.

SO. To sum up? I don't appreciate Canada. Never have. Never will. 

Adventures In Property Management: Evicting Someone

To all those out there who have never owned or managed property, this post might come as a shocker. To those that have, a few sympathetic face-palms might be in order. Make sure your hands are clean and your makeup set in place before proceeding.

Evicting someone.

Should be pretty straightforward, right? Someone breaches their lease, and so since the contract has been violated, end of story.

Right?

Nope.

Turns out, in everything BUT property management, a variation of the above process takes place. But in property management, everything has a PROCESS. Because the unit being misused, abused, or not being paid for is that person's "HOME". And we can't take away someone's "home".

Never mind the fact that they haven't paid rent.

Or that they live like an animal.

Or that they're an all around, sketchy, not good person.

It's their "home".

So. In a nutshell, here is the process, in BC, to evict a tenant:

First, you need a reason to get rid of someone. The fastest way is for non-payment of rent. That being said, the process is still not fast. In a nutshell, here it is:

Step 1: On the day after the rent is due, you can issue a 10-day notice for eviction. If the tenant doesn't pay within 5 days, you can go and file for an Order of Possession.

Step 2: If you have all the relevant paperwork, you can file for what is called a "direct request". What that means is that the Residential Tenancy Branch will issue an Order of Possession without an arbitration. If you, like us, are following in the footsteps of some truly sup-par managers (to put it kindly), you have to file for "dispute resolution".

Step 3: Wait.

Step 4: Receive the order of possession, or the notice for an arbitration date. Usually, the arbitration date is at least a month away. So, not only have you not received rent, but you WILL not receive rent until at least that date. Joy.

Step 5: Serve the paperwork to the tenant.

Step 6: Wait.

Step 7: If you have an order of possession, a lot of times tenants will up and leave. And then you have
            a. Missing Rent
            b. Hauling fees (for all the crap they left behind)
            c. An empty, sometimes badly in need of renovation apartment.

Step 8: If the tenant doesn't leave, you go to the Supreme Court of BC and pay $120 for a writ of possession.

Step 9: Hire the Bailiffs. Pay them $2000.

Step 10: Wait for the bailiffs to come and physically remove the tenant and their things from the unit.

Now. If you have an arbitration, you have to attend the arbitration, argue your case, and then proceed with Step 4 onward.

Now lets say you have another cause for getting rid of someone - that they are in breach of their lease, or something.

Or, in my case, that their guests have repeatedly threatened to kill you.

You have to issue the tenant a "breach letter".

You have to wait 2 weeks.

You have to re-inspect the issue.

If it isn't resolved, you can issue and one-month notice to end tenancy.

However, one-month notices are misleading - they take effect at the END of the following month.

So let's say I issue a one-month notice to the tenant with the threatening guests.
He has about a month and a half to continue living there, and allow his guest to continue to threaten me. If you, like me, find death threats an unacceptable work environment, and call the non-emergency police, you'll find that there's not much they can do.

Because this is a civil case.

This month, I have the following:

2 writs of possession/bailiff appointments
1 arbitration
1 one month eviction notice for cause (an illegal tenant)


So next time you meet a grumpy landlord or property manager, just remember - this is the absolute BULLSHIT we deal with on a daily basis.

And now you know why fixing your oven that says the wrong temperature, but still works is not our highest priority.

Lessons from Armenia: Nostalgia for something I've never experienced

A million years ago, in a different lifetime, I lived in Armenia. Lived is a generous term; I survived there for a few months. That debacle is a story for another time.

One of my first visits to anyone in Armenia was to a lovely, tiny woman who owned a glass-walled fruit and vegetable stand. After arriving, it became dark, so I felt like I was on a stage in the lit, freezing cold hut. I mentioned to my companion that nature was calling - so she kindly expressed that to the shack owner in Armenian.

The two of them stood up, exited the shack, and the tiny woman placed a bucket full of sand and hay in the middle of the floor. They turned off the lights, stood outside, and turned their backs on me.

It dawned on me what was expected. I smiled, being a veteran of receiving myself in inopportune moments. After removing my many layers, I squatted over the bucket and took care of business, watched only by over-ripe persimmons and a small basket of knitting.

After the bucket had been removed, and we were sitting again, the tiny woman noticed how cold I was. She offered to knit me a thick, wool underskirt and a sweater. I acquiesced, and we made our way home through the ice and grime encrusted streets.

Over the next few weeks, I watched my projects take shape - a thick, soft wool of deep maroon was the chosen color. The skirt was finished first - a 1/2 inch thick, rib knit sweater for my legs. I wore that thing EVERY DAY.

The sweater came later. It was cabled, and had lovely buttons that matched the yarn. It also had a hood, that was slightly pointed.

The truth is, I never really used that sweater. I've kept it - safely, happily, but never really worn it. All the 1st world factory made piece of crap clothing has come in and out of my closet, sometimes barely making it one or two washes before needed to be retired.

Now that I'm once again, living in a cold country in a building without heat (or, in this case, without AFFORDABLE heat), I find myself wearing this sweater on a daily basis.

And OH MY GOSH IS IT WARM. And snuggly, and well made.

I'm finding myself reminiscing for a time when things were are hand built, handmade, and valued. Not these $5 leggings that last for 2 weeks before a seam splits or the fabric goes see-through - but real, hand woven fabric with girth and warmth and soul. I'm finding I'm wishing for a fireplace to keep me warm - something that can be fuelled by by own labour, each day, rather than bleeding at the end of each month for stuffy, soul-less warmth. I find I'm wishing for a garden, and a loom, and time to sit and knit on my porch. Time to understand the value of good, beautiful things, and time to create them.

I find I'm feeling nostalgic for a time that I haven't lived in; craving a lifestyle I've never known.

I guess for now, I've got the sweater, right?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

You know, ever since this gem of a video:

My brain has made a pastime of interrupting me. I'll be doing some necessary, but menial task, and all of a sudden, Sweet Brown is in my head like:

Yeah. So here is a list of the top 10 things, for which I ain't got time.

10) Wearing new clothes to the dog park everyday. I take my dog to the dog park EVERY DAY. And every day, there are dogs there. (Shocker, I know!) Dogs that are well behaved, dogs that aren't, puppies, hyper dogs, jumpy dogs….. and at least once every day, I get some dirty front paws placed on either my shorts or my shirt. So….. I ain't got time to look like a freaking fashion plate at the dog park. I'm going to wear the SAME shorts and SAME shirt every day. Deal with it.

9) Have a clean, spot-free bathroom mirror. Yeah…. I own a waterpik. It is a device that looks like this:

whose purpose is to shoot pressurized water at and through your teeth and gums, to remove particles and biofilm. I LOVE MY WATERPIK. There is nothing like it in this world or the next, and if heaven doesn't have a waterpik, I don't want to be there.

Anyway, I digress. Did you hear the part about PRESSURIZED WATER? Yeah. There will always be spots on my mirror. And I don't give a flying freak.

8) Immigration paperwork. To be specific, immigration paperwork in which I have to put down every address at which I lived from the time I turned 18 until now.

Do you even know what that entails?

My theory is that if you actually finish the paperwork, you just need to submit - and the status is yours. If you're willing to jump through that many hoops, then you deserve permanent residency.

7) Lathering, rinsing, AND repeating. Yeah….. I think I pretty notoriously hate washing myself. In my defense, you would too if you had skin drier than the Atacama (see what I did there? Mentioned the driest desert in the world? That's my degree kicking in there….. 7 years of University; ain't nobody got time for that.) So those three words? Pick two. That's what you get. Usually rinsing and repeating.

6) Updating my devices. WHY. I like things the way they are. Why can't you just automatically update in my sleep??

5) Having a real, thought out meal more than 3 times per week. Since coming to manage this property, Norman and I have had at least 1 night a week that is completely ruined by someone with a NON EMERGENCY knocking on our door for our help. So much so that I have now have a sign on there that reads:

"Friendly reminder: Please do not knock on this door before 9:00 AM or after 5:00 PM unless there is an EMERGENCY. An emergency consists of:

-Fire
-Floor
-Injury
-Imminent Danger"

Yeah. I'm that lady now.

4) Folding my laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer. Actually, me and Norman are POOR - like, potatoes and pasta poor - but I send my laundry out. Deal with it.

3) Forgetting my keys. I do this even when I have a key bowl. One of Norman's main functions in my life is a living key holder.

2) Getting gas. This one always irks me. Hence, why instead of children, Norman and I are planning on having a dog and a Tesla. Instead of babies.

1) Maintaining relationships with people who just have a passing interest in my life, but due to some former closeness, thinks they deserve to know all about me. It's just, so 5 years ago. ;-)

Being a Diva Bitch Really Isn't That Easy

So! Here we are. Norman and I have embarked on the next phase of our life. We have relocated to Victoria, BC - the capitol of British Columbia! - and are currently employed as property managers.

Now, in general, I'm guessing Property Management is a varied, but fulfilling field. Due to the poor management of this complex, however, Norman and I have been thrown into the deep end. Here are just a few of the issues we have in our complex:

-Bed bugs (not in our suite - I'd be out in a hot minute!)
-Tenants with substance abuse problems
-Tenants who are so noise - sensitive, they have asked other tenants to sit when they pee so as to avoid noise
-People not paying their rent
-Legit noise complaints, ending in angry interactions
-A steady drug traffic through the property

My favourite issue, so far, has to be the tenant that screamed at us and called Norman and I Diva Bitches.

So what, pray tell, did Norm and I do to make this tenant so angry? Well! Sit down, boys and girls! Here is a story for you.

Once upon a time, in a magical land called Canada, there was a beautiful island kingdom by the name of Victoria. And while Victoria was beautiful, it was also isolated, overpriced, slow-moving, and a little too big for its britches. In Victoria there lived a benevolent King and Queen (property managers, as they're called in this kingdom), who oversaw a small kingdom by the water.

Now this King and Queen had to make sure that all the residents of their kingdom paid their rent on time - something that, while it seems simple and easy, is quite difficult! You see, some of the residents of the kingdom were unemployed, or fallen on hard times, or would rather spend their money on destructive hobbies like drinking or drugs!

One resident decided to repeatedly not pay a full rent. So, the King and Queen decided to give him a legal notice to pay his rent, or he'd have to leave. The resident became so irate, that he stormed down the King and Queen in their humble abode at 9:00 pm, and harassed them and yelled at them. He wouldn't leave, and when they tried to calm him down, he yelled that they were "Diva Bitches" over and over again. He accused them of a hate crime, because he is gay. He harassed them so much that the Queen called the police, who sorted the situation quickly.

And the dramatic, over the top resident paid his rent, and never made eye contact with the King or Queen ever again.

Yup. That is what happened. Go us.