Operation Evolution: FAILED

Today, I'd like to discuss why I believe evolution has failed. (And by saying that, I have just lured some creationists who believe that the earth is 7,000 years old into a false sense of security.) I'm not about to talk about how the dinosaurs died in Noah's flood, or how science is all malarky trying to make us stray from the path of God.

In fact, I have almost attacked people who have said those very things. Not believing in the fundamentals of the theory of evolution is like not believing the fundamentals of gravity: if you jump off a building, you're still going to fall.

Go ahead! Jump!

Anyway. I digress.

In my job, I encounter many different people. MANY. And every week, I like to compile a list of people who evolution should remove from the gene pool. And by list I mean I like to think about it. Who has paper anymore anyway?

This week, I've decided that human evolution has failed because there are people who:

1) Don't know their own phone number. WHO the HELL doesn't know their own cell phone number? There are only a few viable excuses for this, which include advanced Alzheimer's and a strange fear of 7 or 10 digit numbers. But even then, just put the 1 in front of it, and it's 11 numbers! PROBLEM SOLVED! What if Matt Damon asked you for your phone number? What then?

Imagine this man...

Asking THIS question.

2) Have their zumba instructor/clandestine lover/5 year old child write letters of reference for them. That is suspicious. There's NO ONE ELSE who would recommend you? The only people who think you're a swell enough person to write something nice about are someone you interact with only when sweating, when cheating, or someone completely dependent on you for life? How about I have my dog write my letter of reference. She thinks I'm awesome.

3) Spend 20 minutes telling me about every detail of their lives in order to come to the conclusion that: "I need to set up an appointment with someone to clean my teeth". I don't need to know about your last bowel movement, when and where you contracted the clap, and that you heard that dog's saliva is more sanitary than human saliva. Just tell me what you want.

I feel like this sometimes.

4) Have no concept of how awful they are. These are the people that always assign blame to someone else, and assume that nothing they do or say is wrong, ever. Usually I want to tell those people that they come from *enter city name, USA*, not Mount Olympus, that they are eating McDonalds, not manna that has been rained upon them from the heavens, and that no, they do not in fact shart unicorns.

Really? Cause I'm pretty sure you're 5. And that makes you better than no one.

If you are guilty of any of these, please - tell me why I'm insensitive in the comments. Also, if you would like to tell me how science is all malarky trying to make us stray from the path of God, post it in the comments. If you think I'm right, feel free to counteract the negative comments from the first two groups of people and redeem my self esteem. In the comments.

Also, today I had to get shots. So while they were stabbing me, I pictured myself riding a pegacorn, eating bacon.