I want

People sometimes make you feel guilty for wanting things. That your wants should be swallowed up in helping others. That forgetting who you are should fulfill you in the deepest and most Christian way.

I have one word for those people.

Bullshit.

I do not argue the value of selfless service, or that losing yourself for a greater cause can be the greatest therapy in the world.

But I refuse to cede to the idea that me wanting something makes me evil, or selfish.

So with no apologies, I venture on to the next chapter of my life. And you know what? This time it is all about me. What I want. I’ve given what everyone has asked me to give. I’ve accomplished what everyone has expected me to accomplish. My friend’s and familiy’s expectations have been fulfilled.

And so now?

I want.

I have nothing holding me back. Nothing holding me down. Nothing stopping me from spreading myself thin, from falling in love with as many things and people as possible.

For the first time in a long time, I can wake up in the morning and live my life for me. I can go anywhere, and do anything, and see everything. I can fall in love with the sun as it rises every day, and feel it love me back. I can live my life in color, shooting out turquoise and purple and pink from my fingertips, the ends of my hair.

And so here goes.

I want.

To wake up and be excited to see what the day will bring me.

To live unexpectedly, to fall in love often, to taste and feel and see.

To go places, and live them.

To really accomplish the goals I have.

To never reach my quota of close friends.

To learn something new every day. (How to play the trumpet? How earthworms reproduce?)

To be surrounded by someones, not just anyones.

Someone who can convince me that romance isn’t trite.

Someone who makes me feel calm.

To never try and delay pain with things. But rather to let pain change me.

To never define who I am by what I have, but by who I love.

To live fearlessly.

I guess the point is just those two little words. The ones that make your heart quicken, and your resolve grow stony.

I want.