I recently got a message from a very close friend, who asked why I haven't been blogging.
"Because," I said, "I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear what I have to say."
"I want to hear what you have to say!" She answered. "What would you blog about if you could?"
I went on to say "I would blog about how I like obama and think that gun control is the best thing ever. And how most of the people I have on my facebook feed piss me off when they post about how "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Having lots of friends with strict "I hate obama" feelings and "pro gun" feelings, I don't think that blog would be too well received."
And those are things I would, and will, blog about.
You see, I've been remaining silent. Because "it's not worth it" to get involved, and because I know there will be consequences for expressing myself.
But then, I realized.
If you don't want to read my blog, don't.
I'm not forcing anyone to read this. And I'm not in the mood to censor myself anymore.
So those are all things I'm going to express myself about.
But today, I'm going to express something totally different.
Anyone that has been following my life at all has probably figured out that I'm dating a handsome Swiss 20 year old that does not belong to my religion.
And I live with him in Canada.
And I've gotten all sorts of reactions to that fact. People who think it's "sketchy" or bad, people who try to convince me that I'm evil and people trying to figure out exactly where, on a scale from "utterly naive" to "total shameless whore" I stand. So I've avoided conversations, questions, and everything else.
And this blog is not going to be me explaining myself. Because I've realized something.
It's no one's damn business.
What I am going to address, however, in this blog, is the "benevolent condescension" that is so common among religious people.
Let me explain what I mean. There is, seemingly, a "formula" for being a happy, successful mormon woman. This formula includes:
1) Get married in the temple (preferably to a returned missionary)
2) Have kids
3) Get some education (if you're liberal like that. I mean, it will come in handy when you teach your kids.)*
4) Have no issues or doubts whatsoever
If you stray from the formula, people pity you. In that special, christian way. And that spiritual pity? I'm calling it benevolent condescension.
It's the feeling that some express that "she's such a good woman, and it's not her fault that she's not married. The suffering she feels in this life will be made up for in the life to come."
Or how about "they haven't had children yet.... I hope the spirit shows them that there is no higher calling in this life."
Or "she's dating a non-member. It's just a waste of time - she should be dating worthy people."
What I find so hateful about this is the superiority behind this kind of attitude. Who says that woman isn't happy? Who says she needs a husband to feel fulfilled? And by expressing the sentiment, you may be detracting from her otherwise incredibly happy, spiritual, successful and fulfilling life.
What about the young couple, who, after a few years of marriage, still hasn't had children? I can't even BEGIN to express how hurtful the pity can be there. What if they can't have children? The "harmless" questions or jokes about their lack of offspring might be what brings them to tears at home. But if not? What if they haven't decided to have children yet? Is that any reason to pity them? It's a personal decision between that couple and the Lord.
And the third example. As you might have guessed, this one hits a little closer to home. If you know the person well, then you should know whether or not they are picking someone "worthy" of them. Whether or not they will compromise their standards for this person. Whether or not their association with this person will derail their spirituality or not.
I'm not saying I've never had these thoughts. I think they're more natural than most of us would like to admit. I am, however, declaring them as unchristian, and something to avoid.
Basically, there are many, many paths we can take in this life. I don't think there is only one correct, happy path for each person. There are many ways to be a righteous, decent person. And that our time is better spent appreciating our journey than judging that of others.
*I'm in no way saying that it doesn't help you teach your children, but rather commenting on the fact that that is not the only valid reason to get an education.
