Jumping through hoops

So, my roommate Lauren and I have been noticing recently, how little motivation we have to do anything school related. Yesterday, for example, we both were supposed to go to class. But we didn't. Instead, I deep cleaned the carpet on the stairs.

Yeah. I'd rather deep clean the freaking carpet than attend a class.

And so a few minutes ago, as we were both desperately trying to get energy to do the few (but MAJOR) projects and assignments we have left, I realized something.

I've been jumping through hoops.

And I've been so distracted by trying to get through all of them that I never realized that they have led me back to EXACTLY where I was before I started this whole mess.

I don't care about jobs. I don't care about careers. I care about making enough money to do what I really want to do - live a life that allows me the freedom I need.

So thank you, thousands of dollars spent on higher education. I really am grateful to my parents for helping me with that. I just..... wonder if in the end it was necessary. Or even desired.

POLL

Which is better?

Having loved and lost

OR

Never having loved at all?

Forget what happens when it's all over; what about when it all starts?

Sometimes, when I hear about the things that are going on in the world, I want to move to the mountains and have a herd of goats. (A flock? What do you call a group of goats?)

When I hear things like what is going on in Egypt. Or Lybia. Or in DI.

Combine that with the fact that I read the ENTIRE Hunger Games trilogy this weekend (Hunger Games on saturday, all of Catching Fire and part of Mockingjay yesterday, finishing Mockingjay this morning), and then throw the bizarre, colorless weather in the mix, and I have been in the strangest mood.

Now I'm sure it doesn't surprise any of you that I hate winter. And that I have a rather dark side to my personality. And that sometimes the first causes the second. And so this morning, on my way to school, I found myself carefully considering the people who surround me, rating them on an unspoken scale of violence and death; how much of a threat would this person pose? Could they overpower me? Outsmart me? How much remorse would I feel at killing them if it were me or them?

Then, thinking about all of this, I wonder how long it will be until some entirely unthinkable reality becomes my own. For us to reach the point of instability, violence, and fear where our lives as we know it are threatened.

Don't you think it would be hard to be the first generation living in the new way? 

I do. 

What I do at night when everyone else is asleep.

Last night I spent the night, until at least 3:30, wandering the house and putting my feet on things that were cold. (I HATE when my feet are hot at night.)

Every year, around late January or early February, something happens to me.

I stop sleeping.

And I feel a little bit like this.....

I always forget about it - and so the first time the symptoms appear, it is frustrating.

So what gives?

Well, it could be any number of things. Coincidence being the most boring of all the options.

The truth is, though, that I'm just tired. And as much as I'd love to practice my accordion.... let's just say I don't think my roommates would appreciate that :)

So, I thought I could learn some quiet hobbies during my long nights. Any suggestions?

God

Because I want you to accomplish everything you desire. Because I want you to have everything you want.

And you will.

Just not yet.

At my job, I deal with a lot of people's perceptions about God.

The supreme creator.

The unintelligable spirit.

The non-existant myth.

The scape goat.

The reason for everything.

People just like to assume that if God is omnipotent, but not preventing pain, he is malevolent. That whatever personal crisis they are facing at the particular moment, whether it be the death or illness of a loved one, a seemingly unfair lot in life, a complete inability to trust – it's God's fault. That he gave their grandmother cancer. That he made them gay. That he personally reached his hand down and pushed the water that became the tsunami that killed thousands of people.

All I have to say is, if that's who people think God is, no wonder the world is growing increasingly atheist.

I can't explain the mysteries of the universe, or even explain why your grandmother has cancer. But that quote at the beginning of this? That's one of the last things he's said to me. And that is what I know God to be.

Everything has a time, and a purpose.

And if he needs me to face my biggest fear, that's fine by me.

Throughout my mission, other missionaries would talk about the spiritual confirmation the had received that they should go on a mission. How they just knew that it was something they needed to do.

You know what I did? I spent a summer watching friends and acquaintances drink, get tattoos, and skip church, and then I submitted my mission papers. I barely even thought about it at all. I figured “now's as good a time as any”, and then I just did it. It didn't even hit me, what I was doing, until after I had entered the MTC.

That's how I feel now. People around me keep getting these spiritual confirmations about things I haven't even thought of yet. Things like marriage, and babies, and careers, and the list goes on and on. And here I am.

No job lined up.

No set plans except “go to thailand”.

Nothing pushing me forward. Nothing holding me back.

And I don't even feel pressured. Stressed. Anything at all.

And somehow that means I'm.... reckless? Unprepared? 

What makes my lack of plans less spiritually valid than your intricately laid ones?

I will have everything I want. Just not yet.

And that not yet? It's as meaningful as your right nows.

So who is God?

My Heavenly Father. The center of my logic, my heart, my passion. The why of the how. The why of the what. The man who wants to give me everything I want, so he's waiting to give me what I want most.

Take it or leave it.

ABCs - Ayutthaya, Bangkok, Chaiwatthanaram

So.

This weekend was EPIC. Let me tell you why.

1) I accomplished a life goal: seeing a ballet. I saw the ballet "Sleeping Beauty", performed by Ballet West in the Capitol Theater in Salt Lake City.

This is the view from our seats. Not the best seats, but they were cheap tickets and we could see everything just fine. Also? Weirdest feeling EVER when the people on the orchestra level would clap.....

Here's me outside the theater

Anna and Buck. Notice how Anna is strategically holding her coat so she can cover her baby bump?

She's doing it AGAIN!!!! I love how much of a 5th wheel I am :) And what the 7 days Anna?

And here is the chandelier. Half the time I was hoping it would fall and majestic organ music would start playing.....

 (Just as a side note, this is a video of one of my favorite parts. This music in the animated film is used when Aurora is about to prick her finger)

2) I facilitated the accomplishing of other life goals. By purchasing a place ticket toooo.....

Aytthaya, Thailand

Elephant rides in Bangkok, Thailand

THAILAND!!!!

So I get to eat a pineapple, and look at ruins.... it's going to be amazing. And I'm going with my seester Debby, which makes it even MORE awesome!!!

And here is a picture of me in an awesome shirt. 

Best Youtube discoveries of the past month or so

This one is called "Too late to apologize: A declaration." Go founding fathers! I love that Sam Adam's identifier is BEER.

"Kid History: Episode 3" A gem no matter what you enjoy. I LOVE the part when they guy says "Don't hit me in the face with a bike" It makes me almost pee every time.

After watching this video, "John Williams is the man" with my roomate Lauren, she told me she has never seen the original star wars movies. OH. MY. GOSH.

K. I know this one seems odd. But you need to see it until at least 1:50. It made Lauren almost pee.

And to finish? You've been RICK ROLLED!!! (If you don't know what that means, I attached a wikipedia page to explain it.)